About
Understanding L: A Self-Help Guide to Her Thinking and Behavioral Process
I don't always act like a narcissist, but I may behave like one depending on the situation. If I hear something unpleasant from you or dislike something you did, I might just stop talking out of nowhere. If you remember an incident where I behaved like this, feel free to ask me about it. I might tell you the reason behind my actions. You may wonder why I am behaving this way, but trust me, there is a reason for everything I do.
For example, I didn’t close the laptop display because I wanted a program to run inside. I’m not behaving crazy or ignoring you without reason. If I heard something bad about you or found something you did disgusting, I might not engage. I don't play nice.
I'm a very narcissistic person. I think only of myself, have interest only in myself, seek good only for me, and work solely for my future self. However, I might talk to you because I have some work with you. That’s the only reason I talk to people. If there’s no dependency, I might never talk to a single human being.
Egoistic? Yes, I am. Abnormal behavior? No, there’s a reason for everything I do, as I mentioned earlier. Rude? Yes. Harsh? Yes, it’s the way I chose, and I cannot change it.
I hope there comes a day when every person on this planet vanishes and doesn’t come between me and my learning path, goals, or concentration. Am I happy? Honestly, I cannot define happiness. What is happiness? It's merely a psychological emotion that happens occasionally. In my case, I cannot really define emotions like this. The emotions I can differentiate are feeling loved, being loved, missing someone, or being missed by someone. These I understand well.
Sad? I don't know what sadness is. How do you feel when you are sad? How do you feel when you are happy? It seems my brain cannot really differentiate these emotions. If it does, I don't care about other people's emotions unless they benefit me. But deep down, I do value every person close to me. Right now, that’s just two people.
I struggle with my ability to talk to others and form friendships because I don't care about them unless I have some work with them. My narcissism is increasing day by day, and I’m not sure why. Handling emotions can be difficult. The only emotion I'm good at handling is feeling alone. Not lonely, but alone. English is tricky—both seem like the same word, but they are different. Lonely refers to a feeling caused by abandonment, while alone refers to a time when a person is separated and far from a group. In my case, I chose separation.
Why am I like this? Because no one around me shares my interests, thinks like me, or is passionate about the things I am. That doesn't mean I should be like this, but I feel it's a waste of time to talk to people who only talk nonsense and aren’t productive at all. Why should I talk to them if it doesn't benefit me?
What are my ultimate goals? When will I stop being a narcissist? My goal is to earn enough money to homeschool my kids with the subjects I want them to know. I won't send them to school for sure. Will I stop behaving like this? I'm not really sure.
Either way, I will never stop being someone who thinks only of herself. After marriage, my "self" will include my family. I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I live because it's my choice, and I want to continue this way. You're all missing out on the best of me. I'm literally the least boring person ever if we are alike (at least 70%).
But anyway, I don't care what others think or want to know what they think. It's all about me, myself, and I. I know who I am, what I want, my ambitions, and my goals. I strive to be perfect. I'm a perfectionist. I'm L.
This is a self-help guide to understanding my thinking and behavioral process. Read this if you want to know why I did this or that thing. If you have any questions or think I missed any of my questionable behaviors or attitudes, please let me know in the comment section.
Thank you.